2010 it was, I guess. I had this fear of missing out and would tune into Hindi serials. Pavitra Rishta was so famous with my neighbours and why is Manav doing this? What happened to Manav today? A few questions and we would go on and on about the story. Appa neither understands Hindi nor interested in serials. He was a sports freak, but he would sit there quietly, reading a book while adjusting his glasses and watching me laugh at jokes he never understands.
Years later, I was watching Kai Po Che! on Television. Appa who was walking to the room across the hall saw him on TV and said, “…Hey, this guy, I know him…” His wrinkles were visible as he cleaned his glasses. He called him “that serial guy”.
Now, he didn’t like Sushant. He would ask me what you see in him. Yes, he is all nice and good looking but what you see in him, he would ask then he would lecture me about his days, how actors looked and so on. This was more of a routine for us.
That day, I forced him to watch the film with me and he did. He asked me to translate every single word and the way he made up stories still makes me laugh. Now, he had this habit. He would fill his own lyrics for the songs he didn’t know and man, this guy was confident with that.
Did you like the film, I asked, He pointed Rajkummar Rao and said how lovely he was. Though Appa liked Sushant, he didn’t accept it. I used to pull his legs, but he would give it back.
Years later, there was a newspaper advertisement for MS Dhoni’s biopic. Sushant with his helmet was looking at us in the picture. I was sitting near my Appa and asked him if he remembers Sushant.
Appa normally doesn’t remember actors, especially Bollywood’s new generation. After the Khans, the only actor he knew was Hrithik Roshan, thanks to me and all those posters I had.
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And he didn’t remember. I tried helping him out but he couldn’t remember Sushant’s face. Days later, we watched the film together. Now, he is not a big fan of MS Dhoni too. Ganguly was the last person he liked in cricket. He would have things to say about how great cricket was those days every time there is a match on TV. Yet he would watch them all. He had this love-hate relationship with Dhoni.
Coming back to Sushant, Appa had only one question after watching this film. Why is this guy is not getting a lot of opportunities like others? He asked me if he had acted in a lot of films and he missed them.
He said this guy deserves more. He is a natural. That was probably the last time we spoke about Sushant.
Today, Sushant has gone to the place where my appa is already. As I look back, they have a thing in common. They both had none to hear their stories despite being surrounded by many. A lot could have been changed if they had opened up to someone. I still regret the fact that I wasn’t there for my appa to listen to his stories at the end of his journey.
I still wonder if the people in Bollywood already knew that Sushant was suffering. Did Sushant approach for help?
There are a lot of questions currently running through my mind but that is the funny thing about mental health, isn’t?
There is no explanation, no concept or pattern to identify or recognize who is suicidal.
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These thoughts can occur to someone as smart and lovable as Sushant. He was a nerd. His bucket list had dreams of visiting NASA workshop, read some Physics book kind of stuff. Even his captions and pictures on Instagram were sometimes confusing. But he enjoyed doing them all. He was super kind too. I remember how he came forward to donate during the Kerala Floods.
Perhaps he knew what was coming and his last post, much like Irrfan Khan’s was about his mother, how much he misses her. Now, do there is this special bond between sons and mother I don’t understand.
My Paati, who literally had no memory recollection of many things couldn’t forget one thing, that was my appa. When she heard the news of his death, She cried. She cried so much and missed him that she left us to meet him the next day. Perhaps, it is all written already, I guess.
***
Sushant was out and out self-made man. I remember him talking about nepotism in the industry and how he went on and on about how bad films works in the industry because of nepotism. He was real yet witty.
In another interview, I remember how he told he enjoyed hiding behind the characters. Perhaps, his last film that released in theatres, Chhichhore had him talk about how to fight against suicide and how to overcome things. Oh, the irony.
In a similar way, I remember how my appa spoke to me when I failed in an exam for the first time. I was all down and out. I remember how he bought me my favourite ice cream, took me to a park and spoke about overcoming things and how it is essential to face failures and how I will heal. This man, who knew things went clueless during his last days.
I wish there is an easier way to cope up with mental health. I also send courage and power to everyone whoever reading this to fight their inner demons. I hope whatever you are going through, you will heal.
I leave you with this.
Follow this blog for Suicide helplines in India-
https://lbb.in/delhi/suicide-helplines-india/
Feature Image courtesy: Ashwini Sawant, DNA
Appa, Gavaskar and cricket