Life is like a river. Sometimes it flows easily while at times, it keeps hitting rocks. Likewise, everyone goes through bad situations. Some choose to rise; some choose to end their life. A year back, I thought that the latter was easier. I almost really did.
At times, things do push us to an extreme where you think that there is no way out.
I had to leave my old job because I had health ailments and right after my father became bed-ridden, I had no time to rest but to look out for a job immediately, the next day. Though I had continuous pain because of piles, I did attend a lot of interviews. I was going through hell both physically and mentally. The stress was eating me alive as well. I attended almost 26 interviews within a month. Sometimes, I had three interviews a day. While “we will let you know” became the constant answer, a few rejected me while a few either offered me less or wanted me to shift to a different location.
Once I fainted while returning home, thanks to my anxiety. A good-hearted auto driver took me to the hospital gave me the necessary treatment. After 26 interviews, I did lose hope. My anxiety and depression were pushing me to make poor decisions. A lot of my friends did not understand what I was going through. A few really did try their best to keep checking on me by putting out a text but it was hurting me as well and I have no idea why. The worst was from a few so-called friends who thought that I was bragging. I don’t blame them as well because not everyone can understand what it is to survive with depression. If my health was getting worse, seeing my mother struggling every single day killed me. At least I had a way out to rant things on Social Media. My mother had nothing. No emotional support whatsoever.
I had days where I used to stay awake the whole night watching the wall. Things were not okay. I tried different apps to keep me calm nothing was helping me out. I got lost in my thoughts most of the times and it was not easy for me to wake up every single day. It was like a burden. I wasn’t starting my life from zero but from the negative when I finally got a job. The depression did not go away but only got increased and I had no idea why. I wasn’t feeling okay, something was bothering me, and I had no idea what was it. I was afraid to speak and meet people. It took me six months just to know the names of my office mates. I was afraid to trust people again.
There was a time when the negative thoughts took over, and I wanted to run away. That was when I realized I need help and I was not alone. It was super difficult for me to come out of my closet and cry out for help. I was mocked for the same because depression is not common here. I met a therapist, and it did help me a bit but the things kept coming back, and my financial crisis stopped me from seeing one. There were days where I used to put out a status asking for help and yes, a few did reply me back genuinely, but a lot thought that I was doing all these just to grab attention which I wasn’t. Things went poor when they started spreading negativity around me. There were times where people made fun of my appearance and financial status. I never knew financial status was important for friendship. I was not matured enough to handle all the stuff.
Negativity was coming from the people whom I thought my friends. The constant bullying was too much to ask for at that stage for me. I locked myself most of the days. Took trains to different locations just to sit there at the station and watch the train. I was running away from the problems.
I was advised to keep myself busy and distracted from thoughts. I did. I ran away from the suicidal thoughts and started to write a lot. There were days when I used to write more than 20 articles a day just to keep myself calm. I even wrote when I had ligament tear on my hand because you know, the mental pressure was more. I had to cut out a lot of people from my life, I opted out of toxic relationships. The funny part is that a few of them I used to call my best friends and I thought that my life would be unimaginable without them. Those so-called best friends are those who never stood by me when I was in emotional need. From 900+ contacts, I have something around 30 right now.
I rarely talk nowadays, and I don’t really try making new friends because I don’t think I can trust again. Blame my anxiety too. I understood people have their priorities, and in the fast-paced world, everyone is looking out for having fun and happiness. Not many really do have time to hear the constant rant when they have so much happened, in their life, right?
Even today, I keep writing more not only because I love to but because it is the only thing I know to keep myself busy. To survive.
I feel grateful for a few friends who stood by me when the things were not fine, and for a few so-called friends who kept bullying me, I must thank them because, without them, Penbugs wouldn’t have reached the place where it is now.
I feel grateful for all those Facebook friends who kept encouraging my write-ups and gave me the courage to survive. Right now, my life is all about my mother and penbugs.com . Nothing more. In a way, I’m happy.
I’m happy that I didn’t end my life that easily and did not give up. Things did change eventually. I’m in a better place now than I was a year back. I know things will get better with time and I hope it will. I realized suicide is definitely not the solution. Fighting back is.Also, I will love to thank Chinmayi Akka and her Amma for being there when I was down. Also, people who knows me know that I’m a big fan of her music. At times, her songs kept me going. At times, her posts kept me going. She definitely is an inspiration. If not for her, I would have had the courage to speak up.
Artwork by Margarita Georgiadis
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